


287th Hunter’s Exam: An Alternate Version

by GonProHunter



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 09:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5328953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonProHunter/pseuds/GonProHunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rabid Dog serves as the Phase Two examiner. Things get weird and hectic after he announces his bizarre challenge! Speed Dating! Who will pass? Who will fail?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



“Look, you wanted something gritty and new? Well this is what it looks like!” Grumbling about damned Hunters being a pain, the man slammed the phone down. .

Owl picked up Rabid Dog’s cell and tapped the screen to end the call. “It’s not the strangest thing to want to know how you'll test them.”

The other turned and glared. His comrade had been on “their” side ever since the Association had asked him to be an examiner. He never looked back after gaining his Hunter’s License years ago. The whole “it’s a huge honor” thing was annoying. Rabid Dog enjoyed his freedom in the underworld; no one judging him or keeping tabs. Yet here he was, on site at the Visca Forest Reserve that bordered the Numere Wetlands; waiting to test whoever made it through the first phase.  
Owl had come out of curiosity and to keep his buddy in check. RD was compulsive and short tempered, not to mention stubborn. The exam had begun hours ago and Rabid Dog still hadn’t told anyone what sort of test he was going to conduct.

“Spontaneous. That’s real life!” RD snorted and ran a hand through his unruly hair. “I’m doing them a favor over here. They need to get off my back.”

“Well just between us, what do you got in mind?” Owl slid his hands into his pockets, his fingers brushing against the Fun Fun Cloth. If things got out of hand, he could intervene.

“Something violent.” Rabid Dog grinned wickedly. “Maybe make them all choose which one of their bones I get to break.”

“I’m not sure that’s---“

“It was just an example!”

Owl’s ears perked up. “They’re coming.”

Rabid Dog grunted in surprise and swallowed. ‘Shit.’ In truth he didn’t have any idea what he might do to challenge the applicants, let alone how to assess whether they passed. He had simply been lazy about the whole thing and now his situation was starting to sink in. If he didn’t think of something quick, he’d look like a complete idiot.

Satotz was leaving. Owl jumped up to perch on the reserve’s high wall and did a quick count.

“One hundred and forty eight.” He said in low tones once rejoining RD’s side.

Rabid swallowed hard. Sweat formed on his brow. Owl lowered his shades slightly incredulous.

“You don’t have a plan, do you?”

“Of course I have one! I told you! The plan is to be spontaneous.. so put your little shades back up before I rip them off your face and eat them.” Rabid turned and walked away as cool and carefree as possible. He was screwed.

The gate was opening. Rabid Dog’s throat tightened and sweat rolled down. ‘Shit!’ Applicants ambled in cautiously.. he sensed a range of auras; some strong but most of them docile and un-engaged. A small boy in green stared at Owl with wide eyes who in turn glanced at the other Shadow Beast.

“Yo. Phase Two. Everyone here?” RD muttered with his eyes downcast. ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’

The applicants looked around and shifted awkwardly. This guy looked hard as nails, and not as friendly as Satotz. Owl bit his lip and watched Rabid’s silent struggle. The tension increased all around them. RD hadn’t expected that. They were all looking at him; waiting. They were all nervous and jittery, some guy was even itching to kill him! Rabid cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck in agitation.

“So this how it’s going to go.” Still not a single solitary idea came to his mind. Rabid was typically a quick thinker, but today, right at that moment.. his brain refused to cooperate. Looking up with a confident sneer to mask his inner nightmare, Rabid Dog’s eyes immediately connected to a pair of soft blue ones.

Everything stood still. He could not look away. All troubles seemed to dissolve into nothingness. Was there music playing? The girl was .. beautiful. Never in his life had Rabid Dog ever seen anyone so cute. Her long hair spilling out onto perfect shoulders. That adorable and unique yellow hat. Those lips. Her face was a picture of innocence and sweetness. In that glorious moment years of suppressed hormones came rushing to the surface. Rapid Dog, the vicious Shadow Beast, leader of the mafia’s elite dark army and cold hearted killing machine, was now hopelessly in love.

Features softened and mind completely overtaken, the lanky man muttered, “Date me.”

All sharp eared applicants gasped in utter shock and whispering could be heard.

“Did he just seriously say that?”

“No way!”

“I think he seriously just said that.”

“Date you?” Owl repeated in pure astonishment.

“Has he noticed that most of us are guys?” Asked another.

Rapid Dog’s mind snapped back into full operational mode. Yes. He’d said it. He didn’t even regret it. This was perfectly fine. This way he’d get to.. talk to her.. to meet her.

“It doesn’t matter.” He answered calmly, as if this concept had been in the works for weeks. As if he had given it all careful consideration. Rapid Dog was a master bullshitter.

“HEY!” Shouted a shirtless applicant with a briefcase, “There are children taking the exam!”

“That will take too long!” A bald man wearing black spoke up, “There’s over a hundred of us and a proper date with me would last for hours!”

“Oh don’t worry, there will be ..accidents.” Purred another in magician’s clothing.

Owl began furiously tapping (dialing?) his phone.


	2. Chapter 2

“This is real life last time I checked.” Rabid replied in smooth even tones, indifferent now to the rising bloodlust from more than one applicant. “This exam is for the elite. If you can’t handle it, you can withdraw.” He crossed his arms with a decidedly unruffled expression. Rabid actually believed himself.

“A Hunter must be able to take on all kinds of challenges, to rise to any occasion regardless of age or sex.”  
“Did he just say sex?” Someone asked from within the bewildered crowd.

Rabid continued shamelessly, “The title of Hunter is more than strength, wits, and talent. It is courage, it is resilience, it is charm.”

“You’re crazy if you think I’m gonna actually----“ The irate applicant’s protest was drowned out by the sound of a fast approaching airship.

“A valid point!” The airship’s loudspeaker squawked.

As they all watched, someone jumped down and landed with a resounding BOOM in their midst. Once the dust had settled, an old man in traditional garb stood there smiling.

“Ch-Chairman Netero!” Rabid Dog’s cool demeanor faltered.

A light clicking sounded as the old man walked up to the examiner. “You pose an interesting challenge! I have come out of sheer curiosity to see how it is conducted!” He said in a cheerful way.

Rabid Dog looked down sheepishly. “I didn’t think it all the way through..” He was still determined to stick with his plan although the time constraints did seem to be a problem.

“Why don’t we make a small adjustment?” Suggested the Chairman.

Owl couldn’t believe he was witnessing any of this. His best friend and fellow Shadow Beast was seriously going to date a hundred and forty eight hunter applicants? What did that even mean? What happened to violence?

“Adjustment?” Rabid looked up with mild alarm. Would it reduce his chances of meeting his dream girl with the blue eyes and the big yellow hat?

“You might allot the same amount of time to each applicant so it is fair. Mm?” Netero extended a finger into the air, somehow this made everything ok.

“I don’t have any problems with that. Maybe an hour?” He could get to know her in an hour..

“That’s still a long time Rabid-chan.” The old man interrupted his romantic thoughts in a sing song voice. “Something more like two minutes.”  
“T-two minutes?!”

“That way it will only take about five hours.” Netero’s smile was unwavering.

Rabid didn’t like the sound of that. “What if my friend here helped and took half? That way we could have four minutes!”

Owl nearly choked on his own spit. “WHAT? No way man! What are you crazy?”

“Why do I feel like a piece a meat over here?” The man with briefcase muttered.

“I’m afraid we do not hire examiners during the exams.” Netero replied, chuckling inwardly at Owl’s evident relief.

“Fine. Two minutes each.” Rabid growled. He turned to the restless crowd and hollered, “Phase two will be: Speed Dating!”

“Speed Dating?”

“The hell?”

“It could be worse.”

“Have you seen that guy?”

“You’re not gonna want to make out or anything, right?”

Netero leaned close to Rabid Dog and said quietly, “No second base with the youngsters.”


	3. Chapter 3

“You will each have two minutes to make an impression on me.” Rabid’s eyes fell on Ponzu’s once more. His voice softened noticeably. “True allure doesn’t even take that long..” She blinked and looked away blushing. Rabid stood there mesmerized until Netero began speaking.

“You will go in order of your tag numbers. Please line up outside and enter when the applicant before you leaves.” The old man smiled as the large group grumbled and began to form a line.

Ponzu knew he had looked right at her. ‘Why do he do that? He’s messing with me, I just know it!’ She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms as a few sniggering men passed her. She didn’t care. This sort of thing a girl got used to when pursuing a Hunter’s License. Stupid men. Stupid men and their stupid words. This examiner was a jerk, making her blush like that. Making her feel special.

A large man baring #255 stood next to her in line muttering, “I’ll show him allure. Right up his ass.”

Ponzu blinked and did her best to stifle a laugh.

Todo glanced at her. “What? Not like THAT. I hate this! This is bullshit!”

A buzzer sounded and the door to a large building opened.

#16 entered. Everyone grew quiet and watched as the door slowly closed behind him. What kind of madness was this? Owl gulped as he looked on from the rafters.

Rabid sat awkwardly in an easy chair with a small table in front of him. On it was a timer and a notepad. The Shadow Beast wished he noticed what number his dream girl had.. no matter.. she would come eventually. He might as well use his time wisely and loosen up a little. When the chubby applicant sat down across from him, Rabid cringed a little.

“I’m Tonpa. I enjoy eating, gardening, and crushing rookies. My turn offs are smart people, and rice.”

“……” RD’s lips parted uncertainly.

The applicant added. “I’ve been told that I am a pretty good dancer.” And then it became silent.

‘I’m supposed to say something..’ Color drained from Rabid’s already pale face as he realized just what the hell he was doing. Yes, he was having a two minute hypothetical date with the chubby man across from him. This was real.

“You seem like a nice guy..” Tonpa’s voice had lost a significant amount of confidence and he was sweating. ‘This is harder than I thought it would be.’ Thought the seasoned applicant.

Rabid was about to speak when the other suddenly stood.   
“I challenge you to arm wrestling!”

“Huh?” The Shadow Beast was confused and slightly worried.

Tonpa grinned and thunked an elbow onto the table between them. “It’ll show ya how strong I am!” ‘and it’ll make me stand out. Gotta make an impression somehow..’ He waited with his hand in the air, almost sparkling with readiness.

Rabid gingerly took hold of #16’s hand. “Ok. Ready? And Go.”

Grip tightened and muscles surged. Silence. Each man remained locked in the shaking battle, grunting a little and glancing at one another in surprise. They seemed perfectly matched in strength. Rabid couldn’t believe the fatty could hold out for so long!

The timer went off and Tonpa slammed the examiner’s arm down. Rabid had lost focus momentarily and now he’d lost to the rice hater.

“Thanks, that was fun. Maybe you can challenge me to a rematch.” Grunted #16 before leaving.

Rabid scowled and scribbled on his pad, “#16, fail”.

“My my. We’re finally alone together~”

#44 stood across from him, smiling demurely.


	4. Chapter 4

“Figure skating.”

Rabid was beginning to accept that this was just going to be a weird day. It was worth it. That gorgeous girl would soon be sitting across from him. He’d get to hear her voice. Learn her name. Maybe even see a smile. With that in mind, he took a cleansing breath and crossed his arms.

“Go on.”

Likewise, Pokkle crossed his arms. This was a whole new level of pain. “I like it. I think it would be nice. You know. Girl. Guy. Together. On the ice. Dancing…” This was actually one of Pokkle’s deepest secrets.

“I see.” Rabid didn’t really know what to say. He was still trembling from his date with #44. It still felt like that guy’s aura was on him.

Pokkle was getting frustrated. “What kinds of things do you like?”

The Shadow Beast blinked. “….Defeating my opponent.” He really did enjoy that. “Especially if it’s a tough one. Then I get to use these..” With that, Rabid leaned forward and grinned fiercely to show off his lethal set of teeth. Even though they hadn’t seen a toothbrush in over a month his fangs gleamed in that moment; gums even pulsating a little with venom.

#53 shrank back into his seat horrified. “That’s nice.” He strained, glancing at the timer.

Two minutes later, #99 whizzed around the room on his skateboard. He didn’t even make eye contact with Rabid Dog.

“What, too cool or something?” RD snarled in irritation. Last time he checked, they were supposed to be wooing him. “Listen kid, if you ever want a girlfriend, you gotta try harder than that.”

“Girls love this stuff.” Killua replied knowingly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. The less interested you are, the more gaga they are.” He’d seen it on TV a hundred times.

“Hm. I’m not feeling more gaga over you right now.” Rabid countered.

“Then why are you talking to me?” Killua asked coolly.

Rabid growled a little as his neck felt warm with embarrassment. As the kid continued to skate in large circles around him, RD considered this tactic. He decided to try it out on the next applicant.

#103 simply sat there playing a flute the whole time. Looking disinterested seemed completely ineffective on the snake guy.

Rabid sighed and played it “cool” while #197, #198, and #199 juggled knives. They had some impressive moves, but he just yawned.

#246 was difficult to ignore.

“HEY! How come you won’t look at me?” The small boy yelled in his face. “We are supposed to be having a nice time together! Look at this! See me now? I’m making a funny face and you’re missing it! HEY! YoooHOOOO! Do you like food? I found this nice rock outside. Want to see it?”   
Eventually the boy fell silent. He shouldn’t have switched tags with that lady. He would have had more time to think of a plan. But she had begged him and it seemed like an okay idea at the time.

“I’m just so nervous!” Ponzu explained. It was true. She felt sick, and looked for who had the highest number to switch with. The little boy in green shrugged and held his tag out to her.

Now Gon was frowning in his seat. The examiner seemed to be deliberately ignoring him and he had exhausted all the usual tricks to get attention. His fishing rod flicked and the hook landed perfectly in the other’s sleeve. Gon reeled it in a little and lifted with a mighty tug.   
Rabid now dangled from his line six inches away from the grinning boy. That was his favorite shirt. Actually it was his only shirt.

He was totally unprepared for #294. Rabid was busily scribbling notes on the pad when he heard the door open and shut. Without looking up he set the timer. A second later, he felt something warm on his neck and sat up straighter. Did someone just…breathe on him?

“The thing about ninjas is…” Whispered a male voice in Rabid’s right ear. He flinched a little in surprise but no one was there.

“We are not only masters of stealth..”

Rabid felt something on his head. That asshole was standing on his head!

“… but we also defeat the reluctant heart.” Hanzo was now doing a delicate hand stand in the chair across from the irritated examiner.

“So far you just pissed me ---!”

Hanzo’s hand was over his mouth. “We also know a variety of pleasure points.”

Rabid bit down, but #294 was on the other side of the room now, holding a tree pose.

“Do not fear this feeling.. allow it to fill you.. to flow naturally.”

Rabid lunged forward in attack-mode. The ninja calmly dodged and stood with his arms crossed. The Shadow Beast’s fangs were bared and he turned to snarl at the applicant.

“Everything going nicely?” Netero stood in the doorway.

Rabid stood straight and blinked back his annoyance. “uh, yeah.”

“The eyes are the window to the soul.” Hanzo was sitting back in his chair, and the door shut; leaving them alone again.

Rabid went back to his seat fuming. Before he could think of anything nasty to say, Hanzo was speaking again.

“Look into my eyes.. let our souls mingle.”

“No!” Rabid looked away, blushing and angry that he was blushing.

“Ahh.. you find me attractive.. do not let it overwhelm you. Eye contact is key for making a deep connection.”

“I DON’T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE!” RD cried. He did find the whole eye contact thing curious though. Maybe it would work with that beautiful girl.

The ninja continued smoothly, “It is hard to resist once the relationship had taken root.. I understand your hesitation.”

Rabid begrudgingly considered the applicant’s words. “Anything else .. you know.. makes a relationship thing?” He grumbled while waving a vague hand in the air between them.

“A romance?”

“Yeah. That.”

“Notice the tone of my voice. How manly and smooth it is. It reeks of confidence and potential. This skill takes years to achieve.”

Rabid blinked back his urge to barf, and finally looked at the other. Baldy seemed completely at ease.

“My body language is also communicating a message.” Hanzo’s head moved slightly to enhance his message. “It is saying: I am available.”

“Get out.”

“We are also masters of perseverance.”

Rabid shook with rage. Small rage sounds erupted from his throat.

The timer went off, and the ninja vanished.. or so he thought. Another light breath brushed on the back of RD’s neck before the door opened. He turned and sliced through the air with lethal force.


	5. Chapter 5

The next applicant walked in. The Shadow Beast shuddered. #301 was freaky..even for him. The robot-like man just sat there looking at him.

Two minutes later a man in a suit scowled at him somewhat nervously. Rabid narrowed his eyes and grinned a little. Time to get back into examiner mode.

“So, this is your best?” It was nice to be in charge again.

“Give me a minute will ya?” #403 pushed his glasses back up his nose.

Meanwhile Ponzu paced anxiously outside. Everyone had left their individual sessions with unhappy expressions. This seemed to be a difficult test, and she just had to pass. Everytime the bee-keeper mustered her courage, visions of the lanky man’s face would turn her into a melty blushing mess. Ponzu swooned with anticipation so many times that she became nauseous and had to find a bush.

“Your eyes?” Leorio blinked in bewilderment.

“Yeah. They look confident and manly, right?” Rabid’s sneer was doing a fair job of covering up his insecurity.

“I guess so..” #403 hadn’t envisioned his “date” going this way at all.

“How about my body language?” Rabid leaned forward in his best attempt at sexiness.  
“Hey hey hey! Stay the hell away from me!” The applicant took a defensive posture with his briefcase.

Ponzu wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She couldn’t remember the last time feeling this nervous. The Hunter’s Exam was NOT what she expected. At first, it was a matter of endurance and vigilance..but now? How dare they meddle with her heartstrings! The examiner was so CUTE!!!!! She was dirty from the marsh and probably smelled bad. It wasn’t fair.

“What do my eyes say to you now?” Rabid snarled inches away from the applicant’s face.

Leorio could see his own pale, horrified reflection in the other’s gaze. It was now or never. He wasn’t going to let this guy stand in his way of becoming a Hunter dammit. Pressing his mouth against the examiner’s, Leorio summoned his sex appeal and hoped for the best.

Heads turned as a strangled cry rose up from inside the testing area. Moments later, #403 staggered out and Kurapika swallowed nervously before entering.

The examiner was nowhere in sight. The Kurta’s eyes quickly scanned the room. Rabid emerged from the shadows behind him. He’d had enough bullshit today.

Instinctively, Kurapika pulled out his blades.

“So.. how about it?” RD’s face twisted into a bloodthirsty grin. He needed to kill something to forget the previous two minutes.

#404 blinked in confusion. Surely this must be the most aggressive form of courtship. Might as well go with it in order to pass. “I’m ready. Do as you must.” He stated boldy, still holding his weapons at the ready.

The Shadow Beast lunged at the applicant only to fall back against the floor. Netero stood between them, smiling.

“An interesting method Rabid-chan, but I can’t allow my examiners to kill the applicants.”

One minute and forty seconds later, the door swung open and Ponzu did her best to breathe. All eyes were on her. She was the last one to go. The tension was heavy, but she was sweating for another reason entirely.

Doing her best to look cool and calm, the bee-keeper held her head high and entered. Her determination vanished as soon as the door shut. There.. sitting and looking handsomer than ever, was her prince charming. Rabid Dog was fairly certain that Netero had broken several of his ribs. The past five hours were brutal. Some guy’s aura touched his butt, another had breathed on his neck and made “available” eyes at him while others tore his only shirt and slobbered all over his mouth. A limp hand hit the timer. He took several cleansing breaths without looking up. This applicant could wait dammit.

Ponzu sat in the opposite chair a nervous wreck. ‘I knew it! He’s not interested. It was all a trick. I’m so stupid. I smell bad and I’m stupid. I’ll die alone.’ It was nearly impossible to work up the courage to speak. It was obvious that he hated her. What was the point of talking? Oh yes. To pass the Hunter Exam. This phase was excruciating.

Rabid ran a hand through his hair. He was so done. He should have had a plan. He let his heart take control and look what happened. He should have never taken this whole examiner thing on. He was a Shadow Beast. A lethal monster meant for the darkness, and solitude. He’d never experience romance of any kind.

Ponzu had opened her mouth twice, but nothing came out. She was going to fail. SHE WAS GOING TO FAIL.

Rabid closed his eyes. He was a monster. He was a monster.

The timer went off startling them both.

Eyes met.

Hearts stopped.

Everything stopped.

Her. Dream girl. She’d been sitting so quietly.. so beautiful and perfect and lovely and nice and sweet. Rabid’s lips parted. He wanted to say something. Anything. THIS WAS HIS CHANCE.

The way he looked at her. It all changed. He hadn’t tricked her. He looked so charming. So wonderful. So manly and available.

Netero opened the door, and asked. “Well? What are the results?”

Without looking away from the blue-haired princess Rabid dreamily answered, “Everyone passes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas Pitou77!


End file.
